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Rules for Attending a Wine Festival

2016 04 28 Hedges Family Estate 3226
  • Don’t tether your wine glass to your neck
  • Don’t pinch your fingers and say, “Just a little.” Dump it if you don’t want to finish it, but I’m going to pour as much as I damn well please
  • Don’t violently lift your glass mid-pour and say, “That’s plenty.”  Same deal as above.
  • Don’t say, “Give me the biggest thing you have.” This isn’t NASCAR.
  • Let “smooth” take the day off from your vocabulary… the whole day
  • Don’t shove.  I mean… really
  • Don’t say you hate Merlot. We all saw Sideways. Guess what: Miles didn’t want to drink Merlot because it reminded him of his ex-wife. That bottle he drank in the end—his most precious bottle—had a ton of Merlot in it. 
  • Don’t tell every winemaker about the winery that was down the street while you lived in Lodi
  • Don’t ask how the wine scored… ever. 
  • Do wear a “Wine’er, Dine’er, 69’er T-shirt
  • If you are going to use one of those little food trays that has a cutout for your glass, you better be damn sure you are cool enough. Note: no one we’ve met so far is that cool
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2016 04 28 Hedges Family Estate 3262
  • Over-buff late thirties guy: Don’t try to impress your date by contradicting me.  You’re going to fail. Yeah, try me 
  • Don’t lick your glass… just, ewwww. 
  • Don’t talk about your sulfite allergy. There is a good chance you have no idea what you’re talking about 
  • Don’t dump into the water pitcher. And always look before you drink out of it 
  • Practice spitting at home; it will come in handy 
  • Don’t talk about the legs after you swirl the glass. Here’s a tip: the legs don’t matter. 
  • Don’t take your heels off and puke in the lobby 
  • Don’t ask for the “most expensive” or “my favorite” wine on the table 
  • Keep the rim of your glass food free 
  • If you proclaim that you don’t like white or rosé, we will make fun of you when you walk away 
  • NO Perfume!  And go light on the lipstick, honey.  Those marks are hard to get off the rim 
  • Asking for a wine donation at the table for your charity will result in instant death by saber

See you down that long and twisty road,

Christophe, Kimberly, and Boo

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